stilling.

settle.  settle. settle.

before one day was You knew them all to be.

great is Your faithfulness.  great is your faithfulness.  morning by morning new mercies i see.  all that i cling to i lay at your feet.  great is your faithfulness, new mercies i see.

today is new.  yesterday was, you were there.  today is, you are here.  now, You. Are. Here.  help me be here with you, and not making up for yesterday where your grace has covered.

peace.  pause.

enough.  sufficient is your grace.

thank You.  forgiven.  graced.  loved.

still.

Abigail

Meet my little cousin Abigail.  Creative, energetic, hilarious, a "tell-it-like-it-is" girl, love filled to the rim, and a sporty spice (yet equally both).  She like the rest of my gal cousins, is absolutely stunning!

Abigail is 8.  A couple of years ago she had a class assignment that required her to write a letter to someone far, far away.  I was her choice recipient in Colorado.  Since moving closer, it's been amazing the way that she just wants to hang out with me.  I have come to terms that it is okay I don't understand everything.  Pure love, yep, that's just beyond me.

What do you do with that?  Really?  I went to watch her play softball today, which sometimes doesn't feel like a lot, but I hope she knows she's great.

But in all of my efforts of trying to love well, live well, and do well, sometimes I wonder if a know how to be loved well, enjoy life well, and be served well.

I am thankful that Abi's unknowing persistence is teaching me to the art of receiving, because...

...we love because He first loved us...

...any ways. (1John 4:19)

Oh, I forgot to mention that Abigail has also handed me down clothes.  I didn't stutter.

Frizz ball to beautiful.

Sometimes, especially here in NC, I wake up with a little frizz ball on my head.  This morning absolutely.  Instead of considering my mane an obstacle to tackle like normal, I thought of a much better idea.

I want one of these!!

It's worth some pondering.

Other references include, but are not limited to:

Macy Gray, Lauryn Hill, Jada Pickett Smith, Willow Smith (with braid alternatives), and Beyonce.

Friends

Friends are amazing.  Sheer gifts.

I began dating a gentleman less than one month after coming to NC.  Three months later we were engaged, and a little over two months following his ring was returned.  Lots has happened lightning fast, but that statement was already thought most likely.

Coryn and her husband Brandon were on top of things and bought a ticket for the wedding well in advance.  Consequently they still had to come and see me even though the only white I wore this past weekend were in the form of bikini strap remains!

The two are both so funny; just best friends doing life together, and it's hilarious.  Laughing so much has done my heart, soul, and mind a wonder and restored me in ways I could not heal alone.

Thankful.

Awake

This is the most beautiful morning in North Carolina since I have been here. Cool, a hint of crispy fall, and blue, blue sky. Sometimes if I wake up early enough the quiet can be heard.

I love the quiet. A faint sound of train railing across town. The dropping of walnuts as squirrels trek branches. Oh, and morning melodies of the birds. I am such a sucker for nature.

_____

In seminary we are encouraged to practice writing. We become as we write. Our own voice speaks as time and words are spent. <-- See!

As I adventure into theology and psychology I welcome community. Fortunately there are endless blog-able topics, however I cannot think of them all. Likewise, yours are better, and I am up for the challenge.

Yes, this will include reflection over my time since moving to North Carolina. As a part of learning my voice, I risk seeing how much my voice is really liked. Me, maybe unlike you, really cares about being liked. That can backfire.

Since I have been told that I look like a teenager practically everyday for the past 2 months, here is some 17 year old advise: be confident, your Maker loves you. That changes everything.

Lenting 14: Morning

Blessed morn' arise to see

another day

come heart believe

find Strength to know

to press

to sing

find Joy in Him

praise unto Thee

glory to Thine Love and Grace

glory to the Son who laid

life and trust to God

His hands

behold upon the Hope

of now

behold upon the Hope

of all

Good morning sun as you rise

Remind me of His Son

Our God

Lenting 13: Ponderous Asking Thoughts

You ever have a lot of questions that you'd love to just ask?..shamelessly, no fear of them being out of line or embarrassing.

I do. All the time. Truth be known, sometimes I do ask. Come to find out, it's mostly not a big deal to the answeree.

Yesterday, for example, a very, very tall man was standing beside me. TALL. And I felt very short.

With relatively little hesitancy I asked, "Sir, can I ask you a question?"

"Six foot seven." He didn't hesitate to respond with a valuable answer at least! However, that wasn't really what I was going for.

"Oh, wow, that's great," I said applaudingly. "I was really wondering though whether you felt as tall right now as I feel short." I think that caught him off guard a bit because I think that he answered that question again with a close-ish answer.

There were laughs. And to be honest, because there were laughs I was okay with the turn out.

We are just people with one life. Sometimes if I don't ask the question I'm thinking to the person near me I might miss a sweet moment. Sweet moments, gosh they are fabulous. Worth the risk so far, but never easier.

However, I've noticed the closer I am with someone the more I hesitate. Not everyone. When you receive enough blunt questions from Mom, you start to ask some yourself.

You ever hesitate to ask Jesus questions? Really, do you? I do. Why when He says to ask.

Matthew 7:8 "But whoever ask receives, whoever seeks finds, whoever knocks the door will be opened to them."

"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22

And, Jesus has the right to answer somewhat like Tall Tom; a different answer than I expect.

But really, I fear the cost of losing respect and appreciation from someone that's let me enter their life; and them, mine. Or, what if my question is unwelcomed? Or, what if my question doesn't come out right? Or, what if I'm asking for too much? Too little?

Knowing that there are certainly moments to keep it shut, I just am thoughtful now of what holds me back. Others back.

Yea, i've had some bad experiences. Some well deserved, and others not.

To end my thoughts. God, can you please help me, help us to ask You what we want to? Need to? By the way, can You help us trust Your response?

Thanks.

Lenting 12: Collision...Woot

The ultimate collision. :)

Hope you enjoy this as I did.

The heart breaking makes a sound
I never knew could be
So beautiful and loud
Fury filled and we collide

So courageous until now
Fumbling and scared
So afraid You'll find me out,
Alone here with my doubt

Here it comes, a beautiful collision
Is happening now.
There seems no end to where You begin and there I am now
You and I collide

Something circling inside,
Spaciously you fly
Infinite and wide,
Like the moon and sky
Collide

Here it comes, a beautiful collision
Is happening now.
There seems no end to where you begin and there I am now
You and I, collide

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Here it comes, Here it comes, Here it comes now
Here it comes, Here it comes, Here it comes now
Here it comes, Here it comes, Here it comes now
Collide
Here it comes, Here it comes now (You and I)
Here it comes, Here it comes now (You and I)
Here it comes, Here it comes, Here it comes now
Feel it coming on, Feel it coming on now, Here it comes now
Here it comes, Here it comes, Here it comes now

Lenting 11: Colliding

Last night a group of old and new friends all joined together at the house to play games. We all had a blast. Even Dad joined in on the fun with a special appearance. :) This retirement thing is really loosening the pop's up I think!!

When world's collide, there is beauty. Obviously there are exceptions, but the lives brought together are beautiful. My cousin Lisa and her husband Joe are two hilarious and fabulous people that I've gotten the privilege to share life and chicken pot pie dinners with since they've been married.

How these two have not spent time with me and my friends Kristina and Chad that are fabulous, sweet, hilarious friends...i have no clue. Sunday night...beautiful collision.

And Mom and Dad. We can all agree, they are wonderful, great...beautiful two. :)

From working at Panera I have gotten to know my sweet Swiss friend Maya. I want faith like her and want to hang out with her and her husband Shane when possible. Not to mention, her parents are visiting from Switzerland and they joined in the collision!

I don't want this to seem like bragging on having friends. I need instead to confess our God is good. Our God is amazing doing exceedingly more than we can ask or imagine. My life looks nothing like I planned moving home. I've needed Him to take control. My heart is thankful.

As a result, I can't keep these blessings to myself. I want my friends to know each other and the richness of how wonderful God has made each of them.

There is grace as I look at these friendships. I'm thankful God has let me find joy in being a third wheel. I know this perhaps is not trendy, but I love seeing relationships, marriages. Couples that are inviting to a single gal is such a blessing to me. We just avoid games like checkers...or rotate! Double elimination anyone?!

As I get to know a friend of mine Dustin, in community and among friends, I hope my life is as inviting as the ones I shared the room with Sunday night. I hope my time with Dustin welcomes and is encouraging. Sure, we have lots and lots of fun together which is great. Perhaps this too, a beautiful collision.

Lenting 10: Moments.

It's very obvious that I am a lazy lenter. Lazy. Lenter.

Sure, my life is very "un-lazy," but I fail to excuse myself from lent-blogging...other than...i'm tired. So tired. However, I am very thankful for the sweetness of life. God is very kind to be Him, give rest, and give strength.

And, I wonder, looking back on this week, how moments of life shape me and I don't even realize it. Some examples:

In the wine room a man came in and shared stories of his childhood raised on a farm and in the years of segregation. He told stories of movie theatres that separated black and white skin by seating and signs over water fountains. I grew up going to the same theatre. I grew up in the same town. I can't imagine what that would look like. Feel like. Sound like.
4 high school friends of mine have come to eat at Panera this week. We didn't get to talk much, but it made my heart happy.
Dad cleaned the house for Mom so that she didn't have to leave a "dirty house."
Moments of silence.
Moments of laughter.

Hearing the race cars practice while sharing life.

I can go on and on....and on. I wonder if you feel the same.

Lenting 9: 1 John

Got to read 1 John with Mom and Dad this morning before leaving.

1 John 1:7 "But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from all sin."

Grace. Confession. Jesus. Light. Fellowship...with each other...with Mom and Dad.

Dear Jesus. Amen.

Lenting 7: Spring

:) it's the first day of spring.

what's new? what's budding for you?

I can tell you a few of mine: friendships (from work, from church, from just being home). hopes (for today, for tomorrow). opportunities (a garden, possible trips and adventures, areas to serve).

i feel full of excitement and anticipation of each of these. sure, there will come a season of pruning and weeding. but now...now there is life. new life! my heart is thankful for that. my heart is thankful for the treasures that are present. treasures that are Beautiful now, and beautiful to see grow.

Lenting 6: Goodness

I told a friend about my blog tonight. Dumb. Now I have to write something good.

True story. I had a bird poop on my head in the same week i stepped in dog poo. This was 2 weeks ago.

A lot has happened since then.

The story picks up today where I started the morning waking up to my first alarm in time to turn on coffee, proceeding to sleep through my second alarm. I am very thankful for parents who don't mind or notice when coffee gets bitter. oops.

Still got to have a few minutes with Jesus. Enough to read that God chooses us. Yea. Wow.

Got tired of my nose ring not healing. Took it out. Teared a little.

Dressed and ready for online learning at Panera. Today was a true test of Panini making knowledge. Outcome: Passed and earned a discounted muffin! Score.

Needed more time with Jesus. Learned in James 1 that God choses us and gives us wisdom. Don't need to believe otherwise. Why? Because we can have faith in our God who gives us everything we need for life and godliness. 2 Peter 1:3

Scooted over to the Speedway to meet Dustin for some lunch time hanging out. My face should hurt from all of the smiling and laughing. It doesn't, but it's amazing to me the topics of conversation that happen on a walk, or over a pb&j served with apple and carrots. Not to mention, the encouragement and joy. Oh strawberry preserve jam...thank You Jesus.

Headed home before a run. Re-entered the nose ring. My hole had already closed! Stream of tears. Nose ring in tact! I think I needed to take it out to see if I really wanted it. I do. It's settled.

Went to nap. Instead, chatted with a friend about life and Jesus. Yea, I just need to say our Father is aware of our needs. I'm thankful to come together with my friend, even miles away, and know our hearts are near as we ask Jesus to help us have faith.

Did lay my head down for 23 minutes. :)

Dressed for a run, and got called about settling a house sitting issue this summer i'm not able to do now with two jobs. Situation settled. Got to be excited about Karen's trip to Tanzania with her. I hope the other options for the pup goes well!

Ran 24ish minutes east and almost made it to downtown. Got tired. Saw two guys drinking a beer washing cars. Tempted to join them, but decided i'd better get home. Ran home one mile short of the needed training distance. Gosh, running is hard these days.

Ate a bit.

Washed.

Mom came home. We walked around the block, then played a game of cards. Mom is so fun! So beautiful. So great to share life closer with.

Met my friend Kristi for mexican. I soaked up the time with this beautiful friend. We've had many memories together. Thankful to make more tonight. I don't understand the goodness of God. But it's obvious in Kristi.

Like extra rest, and the humor of bitter coffee. Like Dustin. Like Panera Cafe Sandwich Knowledge. Like James. Like the ability to pray with Mom. Like seeing Dad able to shuffle dirt around in the yard. Like chatting thousands of miles away, hearts needing...hearts hoping. Like a smile from a stranger. Like being able to give thanks.

Lenting 5: Gardening.

Today, Dad helped me till a garden area. It's approximately 12 x 15. Ground: fertile. Roots and rocks present: less than before today. Fun had: lots.

I can't control the excitement that I have right now. Seriously...so...excited!!!

There is a lot to gardening that enthralls me. Like, the fact that I just got to break up dirt!! Not just that, but this is where the produce will be (Lord willing) in a few months: right underneath my feet. And, oh the roots that are to be uprooted to provide good growing room!

Hands got dirty. SO good.

All of the posting I've been able to do is so late at night. As a result, the thoughts of growing, being broken up and letting to set until planting, and the hidden "treasures" found in the soil are each valuable thoughts I had personally today. However, they are FULL thoughts.

In brief, here is public wrestling of my thoughts. What kind of soil is reflective of my heart? Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23

I tend for a hard road...perhaps worn and beaten, over-traveled, not willing to give.

I tend for the rocky soil...letting in a little, but not much. Good, but not absorbent or deeply penetrable.

I tend for thorny soil...sharing the ground with weeds. It's all good, until it's time to bear fruit...negative.

I long for good soil. Absorbent, healthy, moldable.

Moldable.

Today, Dad helped me till a garden. Man, it was good.

Lenting 4: All I've Got...tired.

Simply some questions that were asked today of me and I hope to reflect on tomorrow. And yes, they are rather complex, and will likely uproot my heart. Oh, lenting:

1. What is the kingdom of heaven?
2. Often times accountability is behavior correction. What would it look like to have accountability of our thoughts? Considering, that is what Jesus tended to focus more on.

Good night, Calli

Lenting 3: Healing

A couple, few post back i gave an update on my move from the Springs to Concord. Needless to say, so much has happened!! So much...so much.

And honestly I feel as though i've had nothing to do with it, and every reason to say thank YOU. Some depth to that statement is this though. I hurt. I am healing.

What hurts?

Loss down right hurts. Losing the nearness and closeness of my friends geographically and relationally hurts. I miss my friends. I wish I could hug them, have dinner with them, and let them know how much they are loved. Many times (due to time or the ebb of life) i'm left only able to pray. Wow this breaks me to think it's enough.

My feet. God's blessed me with two jobs! Panera Bread offered me a job the same day the Wine Room asked for an interview. They both offered me a job where I serve all day. It's great. It's fun. I'm exhausted. My feet hurt. I'll do it again tomorrow.

Giving my heart (even if it is a little) and "things not working out." I quote because though those are my words...they aren't God's. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28.

Hurting. Maybe that's obvious, but I really mean I hate hurting others. Intentionally and unintentionally alike. I hurt feeling like I can't say the right things to my family without sounding judgemental or rude. I hurt after dropping salad dressing all over the cooler at work and knowing i'm not helping my team in doing so. It's a mistake, but I don't like messing up. Especially in a job that's not that difficult. On a positive note, the cooler did smell rather nice afterwards! :)

What heals?

Prayers. I don't know who you are praying for me, but God hears you.

Prayers. There is fear in the Lord. There is peace. There is comfort and safety in being with Him. There is joy and there is frustration as well. Being with God has made me weak, but strong. Weak in me. Strong in Him.

New and Old friendships here. I forget quickly that I am just meeting a few of the friends I have here. I'm so used to talking openly and freely with me friends from CO. Here I need more wisdom (maybe that would have been useful there :) ) and understanding to filter and to share.

Parents. Sure, yours could be considerably great too, but I really have to admit that I have amazing parents. I told dad that I felt bad because I have had MANY mood swings since being home. Not necessarily bad, but just obviously wrestling with a lot of stuff. Mom and Dad see it. Mom and Dad love me as though they didn't. They simply love.

Jesus. 4 years ago Jesus saved me. No lie, His wounds heal me today. Yours too. His sacrifice is real today in me.

Jesus, why do you care so stinking much?

Isaiah 53:4-5

Surely He took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered Him punished by God, stricken by Him, and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions, crushed for our sins; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.

Lenting 2: Isaiah 55

Isaiah 55. Reflections.

I friend just sent me this passage to read. Thoughts:

I need to read this everyday for a while.

v1 - Are you thirsty? At first glance, maybe not. But as I kept reading I wanted Him to ask that question again so that I could change my answer.
v1 - milk or wine. It's okay to have a preference? Really?
Listen, hear and listen.
Trusting is necessary to believe You have the best in mind.
So inviting.
I need this invitation.

You are near. So near. Not forever, hence action needs to be taken now.

God help.

Your give mercy. Forgiveness...abundantly.

You're so good, so forgiving, so understanding, so inviting, so gracious. You're not understood. You are okay with that.

You don't waste like I do. I'm incapable of not wasting it seems.

God help.

You are purposeful in every crick and cranny.

Not only does Your creation go where You say, it's productive and You cause it to meet the needs of Your people.

Your Word, the same.

You mean what You say.

You mean Your invitation.

You offer.

Please don't give me an option of what to drink.

v13 feels like me. Glory, God.

Lent 1

For lent I am hoping to blog once everyday until Easter. Gosh, I know in some ways what this means: sacrifice, time, thinking, trusting, and hoping.

Between now and Easter we reflect on Jesus' sacrifice. I confess, I don't think about Jesus' death every day. So, yes, I admit my thankfulness for tradition.

Currently I think more about friends, what to do, where to be, how to make panini's and martini's. Not Jesus. Hmmmm....

These coming days could bring a variety of subjects, or maybe a single topic. Above all else, I hope transparency and reflection. Joy and sincerity. Fun and depth as well.

...this seems so small an offering.

ramblings past 12

it's really good to be home. life is pretty surreal at times. i'm often reminded of being in my home town, means i will run into people ALL the time that i know, might know, should know, or know of.

the "should know" is my favorite. :) for example, i went to school apparently with a gals daughter that i served at the wine shop. yea...i couldn't place her daughter. we both tried really hard. nope, didn't know her. and, still being asked if i'm still with "that boy" from high school. poor boy. he deserves to be known by much more. ha.

tonight just cracked me up when the musician playing started talking about a Bernie Edwards over the mic. no big deal, that's just my great uncle. i proceeded to hear about 5 stories about my uncle from a good 40 years ago. one being that a gentleman at the wine room actually became a teacher because of my Uncle's influence. Who is this family i belong to? Hmmm...

just some thoughts before bed. it's been a long time since i have seen 2am. suppose that is life when you work at a wine bar.

Faithfulness

Our friend Leslie gave us a chair when my family lived at our last home. There is something about the low-sitting, simple pattern feel of this chair that's so fitting for our "little-sized" family. What a treasured gift.

Moving back to NC...i pause. I can't describe home, my heart, and this change right now with pin-point accuracy, but I do know that my heart is a melting pot of much joy, excitement, uncertainty, grief, and desires. Well, maybe that is pretty accurate! Temperature wise, I must say that it's hot and is stirred relatively often.

My dear Mom and Dad are AMAZING. I'm not sure why I've been given such fabulous parents that are patient, insightful, listeners, challengers, HILARIOUS, and give give give their love, but I have them. Thanks, God. I think my parents are a great reflection of God's stability. Even though personally my heart fills like a hot potato, Mom and Dad are present, love me and desire good for me. God too.

Faithfulness has been running through my mind a lot. God's faithfulness and my faithfulness to Him. I shall note that mine's a little flimsy. Faithfulness doesn't feel very attainable, but complaining at least brings some relief...right? I sit here to confess NO. I'm a fool to think, and forgiven to, by grace, remember my Father's faithfulness to me.

I'm such a sucker for Christian Radio. Such a fan of both "cool" and "uncool" christian contemporary (which in some cases should not be considered so) music! Who cares if the message is obvious and the same phrase is said over again to annoyance. It's good true stuff, and I dig it. Not to mention play it loud. (and side tracking)

94.1 K love is my station here...well along with others. Yesterday morning there was a whole morning just talking about God's faithfulness, and this morning I spent time reading these blogs full of God's people knowing and experiencing God in His faithfulness.

Lisa and Eric's blog on faithfulness

In a response, I'd like to do the same. And I want to celebrate and thank God for His faithfulness to you too.

• The Lord has given me breath, life, a wonderful family to live with and among, health, and food to have and share.
• Jesus has been patient to bring understanding, help, grace, and peace each day. Spending time with my Savior has made such a difference in having strength to take on each day. I've missed mornings with my Jesus, and am so thankful to have them in this season of life.
• Laughs. Friends who make me. Stories that well them up from deep within. God, thank You for such an amazing gift that heals and mends.
• One job and maybe two in a weeks time. Not to mention, two jobs that really have edged their way into my "dream job" list. I'm a huge Panera fan, and yesterday was my first day behind the counter as an employee. What a blessed girl I am. And, I am also so intrigued by vineyards and wine. Today I have the opportunity to speak with a local restaurant about serving wine and food for them. I know that I cannot judge a book by it's cover, but I am simply honored how thoughtful God is.
• I didn't know I needed to have a retired Dad at home to keep my spare time company, but I have so needed to get to know and spend time with my Daddy. There are so many qualities in my Dad I admire. Now that he's retired, he's like a whole new man too! Thank You Father for being faithful in ways I didn't know I needed You to be.

Just reflecting, thinking, and thanking simmers my heart. Thanks again, Jesus.