Friday, April 23, 2010

spring change

tomorrow morning i am helping raleigh move out and into her new home for the next coming months. i haven't really wanted to think about it. up to this point i know in my heart that this is a good move for our friendship and our personal lives. but that's it.

for the sake of not putting any words in raleigh's mouth, i'll keep this post reflective of my own heart. it's good for me to do this anyways. i'm hoping at least.

i am really looking forward to what is ahead in a lot of ways. my new roommate, and friend of a couple years i believe, rachel lake is moving into 314 with me. it excites me to think how timely raleigh's leaving is in conjunction with rachel looking for a place to stay, and even someone to live with...i'm glad it's me.

there is a mix of excitement and apprehension, joy and grief, and also the deep "i don't know" about change. personally i think rather highly of myself as a roommate. (raleigh's point of view not included :) ). i offer laughter, deep conversation if desired, a habit of stress relieving by dish washing, and i'm always up for a hug....bring it on.

i think what makes me most nervous about sharing house and home with someone is the messiness that i feel i often have trouble keeping contained. i don't mean clothes or dragging in the days dirt on my shoes, but more so the "mess" of my life. as much as i hate to admit it, i am still trying to figure out who i am in a lot of ways. and in the midst of that, getting to know Jesus, and how to live life fully in the relationships He has placed in my life. (sounds so messy i'm not sure that makes sense.)

reality is, i don't want rachel or anyone to see me vulnerable, uncertain at times, and witness the mistakes that i make. i'm prideful and insecure. loneliness and receiving a negative perception from someone are my greatest fears. this is a daily fight for me.

i fight daily to remember my acceptance and approval from God. i fight daily to remember Jesus' love for me.

truth is, God is faithful always. everyday. everyday.

there is a sara groves song, "every minute," that states these words:
cause if you sit at home you are a loser
couldn't you find anything better to do?
well, no, i couldn't think of one thing
i'd rather waste my time on than sitting here with you
at the risk of wearing out my welcome
at the risk of self discovery
i'll take every moment
and every minute that you give me...
i came across these words this past week and my heart aches to be here. this is also a massive fight against my flesh and the habits of my 22 years of life.
in the midst of this, God has placed friends in my life that i watch pursue knowing Him. these friends are changed and are being changed. and there is a sweetness in that.
sometimes the messiness of my life makes it hard to think i'm knowing Jesus more. that is a of my friends told me that.
well, all i can say is, here we go...and i'm actually excited at this point. which seems like that makes sense. :)
Father, thank You for letting me live with Raleigh. And, thank You that you are letting me live with Rachel...and her fluffy, sweet dog Molly. You are always with us, and You love us.

Friday, April 16, 2010

i'm lost without You. give me a map to the
desert and watch me seek a fountain.
searching. seeing. finding grains upon sand
and dying.


why would You have been
there? the heat was having a field day,
but You hadn't noticed. at least
You could have fooled me.

You wanted to walk and Your
still here.