Processing

i was on the way home tonight after hanging out with some sweet friends, and this verse came to mind:
John 16:33: "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

So now, after looking at this verse, I think...that's funny. Courage is the last thing I take, or even want to take. I take fear. I take revenge. I take another bite of homemade granola. I take a friend who is safe and go have dinner. I take a "better" perspective. I take whatever stops the hurt.

Truth is, I take the options that puts on the "i'm courageously dealing with this and i'm over it" cover instead of courage. Courage in this verse means to be of good cheer, or of good comfort. Really?

There is a family at our church that just lost a husband and a father. This brings lots of questions to my mind. I've had some very distant moments with God today just trying to process who He is and what He thinks He is doing. Even though I only know this family a little, I can't stand to watch or see the affects of this loss.

I don't understand. I am not sure if I ever will. My heart is heavy for this family and I know they need the comfort that only God can give them and would be foolish to think otherwise.

But personally, this comfort is hard to receive for myself. In my mind and heart I know and believe that God is so loving, fair, just. However, when I feel the way I feel right now, it's hard to choose courage, or cheerfulness, or comfort. When I see God's decision in some things I'm not sure if being comforted by Him is my first choice.

It's a grinding process to deal with these things, regardless of how directly or indirectly they are. It makes me think of how amplified this must be for Jeni and her children. Jesus, we need You.