Processing

i was on the way home tonight after hanging out with some sweet friends, and this verse came to mind:
John 16:33: "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

So now, after looking at this verse, I think...that's funny. Courage is the last thing I take, or even want to take. I take fear. I take revenge. I take another bite of homemade granola. I take a friend who is safe and go have dinner. I take a "better" perspective. I take whatever stops the hurt.

Truth is, I take the options that puts on the "i'm courageously dealing with this and i'm over it" cover instead of courage. Courage in this verse means to be of good cheer, or of good comfort. Really?

There is a family at our church that just lost a husband and a father. This brings lots of questions to my mind. I've had some very distant moments with God today just trying to process who He is and what He thinks He is doing. Even though I only know this family a little, I can't stand to watch or see the affects of this loss.

I don't understand. I am not sure if I ever will. My heart is heavy for this family and I know they need the comfort that only God can give them and would be foolish to think otherwise.

But personally, this comfort is hard to receive for myself. In my mind and heart I know and believe that God is so loving, fair, just. However, when I feel the way I feel right now, it's hard to choose courage, or cheerfulness, or comfort. When I see God's decision in some things I'm not sure if being comforted by Him is my first choice.

It's a grinding process to deal with these things, regardless of how directly or indirectly they are. It makes me think of how amplified this must be for Jeni and her children. Jesus, we need You.

spring change

tomorrow morning i am helping raleigh move out and into her new home for the next coming months. i haven't really wanted to think about it. up to this point i know in my heart that this is a good move for our friendship and our personal lives. but that's it.

for the sake of not putting any words in raleigh's mouth, i'll keep this post reflective of my own heart. it's good for me to do this anyways. i'm hoping at least.

i am really looking forward to what is ahead in a lot of ways. my new roommate, and friend of a couple years i believe, rachel lake is moving into 314 with me. it excites me to think how timely raleigh's leaving is in conjunction with rachel looking for a place to stay, and even someone to live with...i'm glad it's me.

there is a mix of excitement and apprehension, joy and grief, and also the deep "i don't know" about change. personally i think rather highly of myself as a roommate. (raleigh's point of view not included :) ). i offer laughter, deep conversation if desired, a habit of stress relieving by dish washing, and i'm always up for a hug....bring it on.

i think what makes me most nervous about sharing house and home with someone is the messiness that i feel i often have trouble keeping contained. i don't mean clothes or dragging in the days dirt on my shoes, but more so the "mess" of my life. as much as i hate to admit it, i am still trying to figure out who i am in a lot of ways. and in the midst of that, getting to know Jesus, and how to live life fully in the relationships He has placed in my life. (sounds so messy i'm not sure that makes sense.)

reality is, i don't want rachel or anyone to see me vulnerable, uncertain at times, and witness the mistakes that i make. i'm prideful and insecure. loneliness and receiving a negative perception from someone are my greatest fears. this is a daily fight for me.

i fight daily to remember my acceptance and approval from God. i fight daily to remember Jesus' love for me.

truth is, God is faithful always. everyday. everyday.

there is a sara groves song, "every minute," that states these words:

cause if you sit at home you are a loser

couldn't you find anything better to do?

well, no, i couldn't think of one thing

i'd rather waste my time on than sitting here with you

at the risk of wearing out my welcome
at the risk of self discovery
i'll take every moment
and every minute that you give me...

i came across these words this past week and my heart aches to be here. this is also a massive fight against my flesh and the habits of my 22 years of life.

mess.

in the midst of this, God has placed friends in my life that i watch pursue knowing Him. these friends are changed and are being changed. and there is a sweetness in that.

sometimes the messiness of my life makes it hard to think i'm knowing Jesus more. that is a lie...one of my friends told me that.

well, all i can say is, here we go...and i'm actually excited at this point. which seems like that makes sense. :)

Father, thank You for letting me live with Raleigh. And, thank You that you are letting me live with Rachel...and her fluffy, sweet dog Molly. You are always with us, and You love us.

i'm lost without You. give me a map to the
desert and watch me seek a fountain.
searching. seeing. finding grains upon sand
and dying.

deserted.

why would You have been
there? the heat was having a field day,
but You hadn't noticed. at least
You could have fooled me.

You wanted to walk and Your
still here.

found.

10 cents...

I have never wanted 10 cents more in my life than today.

Today has been a fabulous days. Seriously.

Great nights sleep. Great 10 + hours of work. Ride home to an overcast sky and a chat with the parentals. And a quick change into the walk attire. Then...

So I went on this walk. At first it was mostly for cross-training, but then I found the exercise was more for my mind than my legs. God bless those poor limbs.

Picture this: I'm trekking mildly fast up the last street of the evening. I see a boy (let's call him Skippy), say 6 or 7, barefoot and calling across the street to some hardly interested scooter and bike riding 8 or 9 year old's. Possibly perceived as cooler than the younger lad. Skippy eventually took his attention off of the other boys and skips back and forth a couple of times, THEN starts skipping to me. The conversation proceeds as follows:

Skippy: "Hi."
Me: "Hi."
Skippy: "Do you have 10 cents?"
Me: ooo. I'm thinking that would be hard to find. (Searching my pockets.)
Skippy: "Oh, because if you had 10 cents or even a dollar I can sing you a song."
(I look at the boy. I wait patiently for him to say "ha, just kidding." Skippy keeps slowly skipping beside of me and starts to look a little sad.)
Me: I'm sorry, but I don't have anything for you. But I can listen. (Lame response to sad Skippy.)
Skippy: Sorry. I can't sing for you for less than 10 cents.
Me: Oh, sad. (Sounding in unbelief. Because I was.) I really don't have 10 cents. (Frantically searching all corners of my pocket at this point. Straight empty.)
Skippy: Never mind, and my songs are my own songs and no one else has them.
(Totally dissed at this point, my jaw drops and I walk off. Skippy skips the other direction towards the now slightly interested boys.)

As soon as a walk off I hear Skippy talking with the scooter and bike boys:
Scooter Boy: "We really don't have 10 cents."
Skippy: "Are you serious? You mean you don't get allowance?!"


Now, I'm not sure of all that happens within the next 20 yards that I slowly make my way home, but the last I could hear - Skippy was singing. That made me happy and quite convinced Skippy's boldness is stellar.

I just remember thinking over and over. "Really? That just happened?"

It did. And, lesson learned. Always carry 10 cents.

trailing thoughts...and a new job

You ever have those moments that you want to remember more often? Moments that remind you to appreciate, or how much you are thankful, or the gift of being forgiven, or how good it is to laugh.


I lack in remembering. Never in my life would I have thought that I would say this, "but it is so nice to be at home...even if I am alone." Ahhh. Home.


Snow is slowly covering the streets just like it's covered lots of other homes and bushes. It seems like if I took time like this more often, it would help me to appreciate the gift of life more. Appreciate how nice it is to have a warm home (granted, I understand warm is relative), and just think. Think or not think. Ha.


I need to and want to think. This past Monday I put in my two-week notice at work. This has been so hard for me to grasp. Why am I leaving? What was the purpose of the 15 months that I was at TSM with Jon? God, why are you moving me to a different job? Why do I feel sad? Is it okay that I feel sad and excited, and nervous, and fear?


I know that I shouldn't fear. I know that "God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind." (2 Tim. 1:7) I get that. So my hope is that God will help remove my fear. The fear that makes me scared of failure, scared of new things, scared of commitment, scared of new relationships that will allow people to know me, and scared of not knowing what this new job will look like. I need God's love and grace in my life. I need Him in His fullness to fill me (Eph 1:23). Because He is love (1 John 4:8,16). And Perfect love cast out all fear (1 John 4:18).

I have to connect the dots and remember His promises. Like I said I am so forgetful. I'll forget before I finish this post.


The reality is that I can hardly believe that I have this opportunity. I'll be working with a child sponsorship organization called Mission of Mercy, a part of a team that helps with the communication between the child and the sponsor. What a treat. Wow. Seriously wow.

When I went on my interview there were packages from other countries holding letters from children. Wow. Wow. God, You are so amazing. I can't wrap my mind around His love for us.

Wintry NC!

Snow is headed in through Sunday. Maybe some snow cream this go-round!

Thought some pics of the snowy beach that were taken by Madre and Padre:





That snow man is hilarious. :)

Holla Holla

Yesterday was Madre's birthday. She's a lot of fun to celebrate. I told her that I celebrated her by pulling out a meatloaf she had made and dad smuggled into Colorado out of the freezer. So good. I mean SO GOOD. Seriously, anyone who reads this, never - repeat NEVER- expect me to cook like my mother. There are some things that are just impossible in this world and that is one of them. I know Christ can give me strength, but in my weakness...yikes! Praise God for my mother and who she is.

Presently I am training for the Ft. Collins Marathon, May 9. Boy o'boy. It's been a real treat to train. Really. Unfortunately due to cold weather and working a "big girl" job I've been running mostly on the treadmill (treddy, as I like to call 'em). But today, outside I adventure. 12 miles on the ole' Sante Fe trail. Rumor has it, the trail reaches to the tip of the connected US into Canada all the way down through NM. I'm not up for testing the rumor, but i'm sure you can google it! :)

Lastly, have you ever read Ezekiel? CRAZY STUFF! I think I would have really admired Ezekiel or thought he was crazy. I feel others would agree. However, as I read all the things that God has him do I just want to hug the guy. I mean Ezekiel had to dig through a wall like an exile, bake his bread over poo, and see his wife die and not mourn about it. I don't know...but I read this today:

Ezekiel 37:24-25

My servant David will be king over them, and they will all have one shepherd; and they will walk in My ordinances and keep My statutes and observe them.

They will live on the land that I gave to Jacob My servant, in which your fathers lived; and their sons' sons, forever and David My servant will be their prince forever.

This made my heart leap in expectation for Jesus. I know that we live post Jesus coming and dying on the cross for us, but WOW. One Shepherd to come and be our King.

God goes on to say through Ezekiel in verse 27 that, "My dwelling place will also be with them; and I will be their God, and they will be My people." I like that He straight up calls us His. We are His and because of Jesus...Immanuel...God with us...we have a Prince that paid the price for us to be with God forever.

I'm glad Ezekiel did and said what he did. He had some good news to share for sure.

Happy Feb 6.