deep breath

so in the midst of some of the "ick" that it seems i've been posting, it seems fair and good to reflect on the sweetness of life.

today makes that pretty easy.

it's not very often that many of the people that mean so much to me i am able to see in one day. i wouldn't want everyday to be this way simply because that means i'd never really share life in a deeper and fuller way. but seems as if today was a reminder of how God's goodness is now in my life.

here are some of the things and people i am thankful for:

i'm thankful to have a church family that i can grow and change with, be challenged with, and know Jesus more with.
i'm thankful for amazing places to hike (4 hikes in 3 days so far this weekend. thank you, Jesus.)
i'm thankful to get a phone call from my brother. i love his boyish laugh.
i'm thankful to be able to watch, love, and share life with the middle boys and girls at vanguard. they are so gifted and so precious. God has amazing plans for them.
i'm thankful that ashley, coryn, and i are 1 week away from running the steamboat marathon.
i'm thankful for a God that has given His Son out of His ridiculous love for my sins. And not just that, but gives me the grace to continue to know Him...
i'm thankful for a mom and dad who love each other.
i'm thankful for discount grocery stores.
and, i'm thankful for great examples of people of faith, integrity and hope in my life.
4 bean sprouts and 3 given tomato plants...thank You.
memories with friends...thank You.
having memorial day off...thank You.
celebrating friends graduating...thank You.
freedom...thank You.
lastly, considering it's getting late, i'm thankful for rest.

thoughts to end the day

it's really a treat that God gives us a memory, you know?

think about all the times that you laugh thinking about those times that made you laugh. and those times that you almost got lost, but then...at the split second before you turned around...you remembered that tacky mail box you hooked a left at last year.

see. two small examples.

i don't know what it is with me right now, but i've been so reflective lately. it's rather odd and actually uncomfortable. at some point or another i figure i just might have to do something with these thoughts. honestly, this "reflective" season has brought to mind some tough truths and tendencies in my life that i don't like.

you ever come home to just home? i get that living alone is not a rare thing, but for me it is. i've pretty much lived by myself for a month between house sitting and my new roommate being away. overall, i haven't really minded it, but it's a lot less comfortable. you might be like, "hold up, what?!"

it's true. i don't have to deal with me that much when someone else is around.

i've been challenged lately about the way i live, who i am living for, and what it looks like, by the way i live, matters. just light topics, really...gees.

the hard part for me is this: how do i deal/wrestle/work out these things (for lack of a better word) effectively and still embrace life and the relationships around me well?

going back to the whole memory thing, i really am amazed at how God uses it to both help us see the good and bad habits of our lives, as well as show us his faithfulness.

3 and a half years ago Jesus saved me. i became different.
a little under 3 years ago roots began to grow in co. i had changed.
a year and four days ago i graduated college. again, a much different person.
the thunderbirds flew today at the airforce graduation. as soon as i saw them, i remembered where i was watching them last year. boy, this girl is not that girl.

over the course of a week to months, it's hard to see change sometimes. it's hard to see why it would be worth it to lean into these challenging thoughts. but here is my closing story, mostly so i can remember:

one late fall morning i got up and decided on a run. so i hit the road that led to the trail down by the waterway. i remember running towards the sunrise; away from the mountains. the sun was bright and air crispy cool. i began to feel tired and i looked down to the ground. lo-and-behold i saw a BudLight bottle cap on the ground. instantly i stopped and just looked at it. and it was so crazy, but it wasn't until THAT moment that i saw the cap that i realized it had snowed the night before. shocking, i know!
somewhere in the following seconds i felt deeply in my heart that God reminded me, "See, i'm at work even when you have no idea." yea, i just stood there for a while, and even decided to keep the bottle cap afterwards.

God, help me remember Your faithfulness. Jesus, please help me have faith.

here.

there are a lot of places to live in this world. because it's my job, i read letters from all over everyday. i'm amazed at the appreciation that people have for the beauty of where they live:

"the mountains here are so beautiful."

"we live in texas where it is hot and humid, but we are thankful for the home we have."

"here in south dakota it's mostly flat and we get lots of snow...but we like the peace and quiet."

"here in pennsylvania we have four seasons."

it's neat to reflect on these things. my parents were sitting on the front porch of their beach home earlier today just soaking in the "sweetness" or goodness of where they were. I couldn't figure out if dad saying, "i'm leaving home to go to work", or mom's, "we're just sitting here as the wind chims silently jingle" was the most entertaining statement made.

right before i chatted with the hopefully-nearly retired couple, i had just stepped outside and thought, "gah, i love the quietness of colorado." i do. i'm so thankful. my heart is glad here. my mind is a peace and stiller in those moments. i feel like this is good for me in life.

this afternoon i also broke up the ground and began to plant some veggies. the dirt was cool and soft under my feet. this brought a smile on my face too.

i forget these little treasures that God provides. they're more abundant than I know or care to recognize.

Processing

i was on the way home tonight after hanging out with some sweet friends, and this verse came to mind:
John 16:33: "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

So now, after looking at this verse, I think...that's funny. Courage is the last thing I take, or even want to take. I take fear. I take revenge. I take another bite of homemade granola. I take a friend who is safe and go have dinner. I take a "better" perspective. I take whatever stops the hurt.

Truth is, I take the options that puts on the "i'm courageously dealing with this and i'm over it" cover instead of courage. Courage in this verse means to be of good cheer, or of good comfort. Really?

There is a family at our church that just lost a husband and a father. This brings lots of questions to my mind. I've had some very distant moments with God today just trying to process who He is and what He thinks He is doing. Even though I only know this family a little, I can't stand to watch or see the affects of this loss.

I don't understand. I am not sure if I ever will. My heart is heavy for this family and I know they need the comfort that only God can give them and would be foolish to think otherwise.

But personally, this comfort is hard to receive for myself. In my mind and heart I know and believe that God is so loving, fair, just. However, when I feel the way I feel right now, it's hard to choose courage, or cheerfulness, or comfort. When I see God's decision in some things I'm not sure if being comforted by Him is my first choice.

It's a grinding process to deal with these things, regardless of how directly or indirectly they are. It makes me think of how amplified this must be for Jeni and her children. Jesus, we need You.